((the Vegan and the Lawyer))

There are certain reasons, or rather, attributes why one would introduce a certain individual to another. Perhaps it is shared interests, shared friends, a common historical event or place, etc. The last two dates where like that, but weren’t.

The lawyer’s intro came over an e-mail several months ago. A member of my family has a friend who spoke wonders of this said individual. The fact that he lives in another city a few hours by plane away didn’t faze them. I looked him up and found him quite unnapealing. I wrote the said family member telling her that I wasn’t interested but it was too late. She had already given him my phone and e-mail. And then he started to call.

The first conversation was awkward and quite boring. He didn’t know what questions to ask or how to respond well to the questions posed to him. After ten minutes of painful conversation I said I had to go and hung up.

He continued to call. Every few weeks he would call and try to make conversation, telling me where he was in the world, giving a conference or whatever. I usually cut the conversation short as I was not very interested in his uniteresting life.

Finally I told him the conversations were awkward and there was no point in him calling me constantly as we had never met, etc. He agreed. He would let me know when he was in town.

A week ago he called and said he was flying in. I told him I was very busy and asked him about his schedule, what he was planning to do here and I would see what I could work out. He had no schedule. He was flying in to see me. I told him how uncomfortable I was by this and he said that I shouldn’t be, it was his decision. I tried to cancel three times and was unable to.

So I picked a restaurant close to my house and quite expensive which I had wanted to try. Made the reservation and did dress up for this god-forsaken date.

Blessed be oh alcohol. I drank, and ate to my hearts content and bared thru the very awkward conversation on nothing. What did we have in common? Same mother tongue. That was it. At the end of dinner and with a cocktail, a glass of wine and dessert wine on me I told him. He deserves to be happy and I am not it. I am not for him. Why not? He replied. “I am very open minded” he claimed, which is usually the excuse of very narrow minded people. I explained to him the vast differences in life perception we had and told him I would even try to match him up with someone else. He paid the check and we left it at that.

Now the vegan. A cousin’s wedding and the awkwardness of being one of the few single ones left. Women approaching my mother and my aunt telling them about this ‘wonderful’ man I should meet. Why? Oh, he’s vegan.

I said I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone from that social circle, from that form of life. I had arguments and even fights with my mother over it. She stopped insisting.

But of course, my aunt went to my grandmother and now it was she who was insisting I go out with this guy. I asked, what is so great about him? “He’s vegan!!!”

Now, I have been a fake-sort of vegetarian for years and my family knows I don’t eat meat. Don’t get me wrong; I do appreciate people who take care into what they put into their bodies. But to introduce someone as a potential love interest to someone else because of what they eat, or in this case but everything they don’t eat. Really?

I might have said it before, but I will say it again. I do not trust a man who will not eat a croissant because it has butter and eggs. What about ice cream? Or a yoghurt?

The date was at an Indian restaurant and I ordered some cheese something or other.

He spoke about himself and then a bit more about himself. He spent over ten minutes telling me why living in the Bay Area is not very good if you are a single man because there are so many other single men, and then asked me if now that I knew that I would be moving there.

He was one of those guys who asks you a question and when you begin answering, jumps in uses your words as an excuse to talk more about himself.

A disaster? No, just a very boring date. One more of those.

The lesson? Don’t introduce someone to someone else based on their appetites. It is demeaning and absurd and useless.

(First) and other (attempts)

It is not the question of being easy why a woman should not sleep with a guy on a first date. It has nothing to do with that.
It is a question of idiocy.
The truth is as follows: a man will say anything, absolutely anything, to get into a woman's panties. For example: you are even more beautiful than your profile picture; you are so beautiful, but I like your brain more. And a little more direct: I took a shower before coming to meet you, just to be cleaner, just so you know. Or: They say that eating and having sex are correlated, I do eat very quickly, but I don't act in bed the same way, you will see.
Etc.
Now, the other side of the truth is that a man will say absolutely anything to a woman after he has been inside her. Why is that? I am still unsure. It might be because they are being grateful for the pleasure received, or perhaps they are setting the turf for next time around. It might be that they really do mean it at that precise moment. Only they know, or probably they don't really don't.
The danger? Women before sex know that everything is BS but decide to believe it for the sake of their bodily pleasures. So that's fine.
The real danger? post-orgasmic women will believe absolutely everything they hear. So if the guy in question starts talking about future meetings, future activities that involve the both of them... she will believe him. It has to do with dopamine and other such evil chemicals but it is true. Women will believe anything after sex. It is a fact.
So there it is. If a woman has sex on a first date or too early to establish the amount of bullshitting there exists in the other, she won't be able to have real perspective anymore, hence the whole relationship could be based on nothing but post orgasmic chemicals and half truths.
Should women stop having sex on first dates? Absolutely not. Women should have sex whenever they feel like it. But they should just know that the aura of loveliness that surrounds the other after pleasure has been given, well, it is not real.
Nothing after an orgasm is real.
Except for the body.
The body you can trust.

(A piece of advice: never believe what a man tells you in bed... unless he says it three times on three different occasions... you know, just to give them the benefit of the doubt.)

old date - "why" is disgusting

this date took place two years ago, but it is very appropriate for this blog:

He promised a wine bar. When she got there he said they should go somewhere else, something about the noise and the lovely day and the heat. Of course he wasn’t dressed appropriately (kaki shorts for a date, really?) but she was. They walked. He commented something about her attire and how funky or something it was. She dismissed his comment.

They ended up in a coffee house. Coffee? Really? Instead of wine? Well, she thought, let him do, let’s see were this gets us.

It is usually the first 5-10 minutes in a first date, that’s when you know its going to be another disaster and you just stay for the anecdote. Bad dates make the best anecdotes.

They ordered bruschettas. He said something about his tomato, no salt he said. But when they came there was some vinegar on top of them. He got angry, she said she would eat them while the waiter brought some others.

“The thing is, what I simply cannot stand, is if I ask a question and the other person asks in return, why? I find that disgusting…”

“Disgusting? “ she asked, “That’s a strong word.”

“Yes, disgusting. Because if I ask a question, I want an answer. If you don’t want to answer, just say so, but don’t ask why… “ he was turning aggressive, his whole body posture had turned towards her and was hovering over half the table. She had to lean back just to breath. Ten minutes of this.

She smiled, half smile. “But what if I asked you right now how much money you make… you would ask why, you wouldn’t say it’s too personal or you don’t want to respond, would you..?” he fell quiet. Didn’t know what to say, mumbled a bit.

“What about if I asked you how many sex partners you’ve had, would you answer me? No, but you would ask why? Yes, why I want to know that. Its obvious and not rude, its obvious. Right?”

“Uhm, yeah, I guess you are right. So some of the time asking why is not disgusting. But most of the time it is.”

And she wanted to run out of there but didn’t know how.

“So, have you been married?” she asked.

“No.”

“Why?”

“I hate it when people ask that, as if it’s not normal for a 44 year old to be single and never been married. I haven’t found the right one. It should be more normal to never be married like me, more people should be like me than when you meet them and they are divorced and with a kid…”

She just nodded.

“And have you been married?”

“Me? No.”

“And why not?” He tried to be defiant, like her, but the question was nonsensical, especially with that tone.

“Well, it’s not that strange. I am 15 years younger than you.”

Silence.

“But do you believe in marriage?”

“Do you?”

“And do you like where you used to live? Your country?”

“Yes, do you like yours?”

“Yes”.

“And what kind of family do you have…”

At this point she was beyond exasperated, “this is not a job interview, so stop interviewing me. I am not applying for a job. We can talk, we can chat, but stop interviewing me.”

The date continued. She planned her escape.

When he returned from the restroom he asked about other dates she had gone on from the same website.

“Oh, that’s where I’ve had some of the worst dates of my life.”

“Really?”

“Yes. But it’s ok. I write about them.”

His eyes wider than his mouth.

“Don’t worry, its just for me. I don’t publish them.”

Little did he know. Thank god the check had come and gone. They parted ways half a block later.

date 9 - the socialist hungarian "professor"

There are those dates that you know beforehand will not aspire to much in the future tense, but they will at least entertain you. These date will at least be a good conversation, time well spent, something you didn't know and now you do...
And then you get disappointed.
Such was the experience with the pseudo intellectual.

False advertising
We all do it, don't we?
We can say a few words in a certain language and we claim we speak it fluently.
We can do creative things with a few vegetables and tofu and we claim that we are great cooks.
We were in some exotic place a few years back and we claim we are world travelers.
We all lie.
A little.
It's expected.
That is why once I set up to meet someone from the dating site I never return to their profiles to memorize their fantasies...
(Once, a friend told me, a friend of hers went out with this guy with a Masters, several languages, etc. When she met him it turned out he didn't have of the things he claimed. He said that he saw the profile filling like goals to achieve. She is still with him.)

Anyhow, we met at Cafe Olin. I got there half an hour early so I ordered a glass of white wine and read. I sent him a message telling him I was sitting outside. I noticed he had visited my profile at least five times in the previous hour.
I saw him come in and not see me. After a few minutes of mirth I asked the waiter to tell him where I was. He called me from his table, claiming it was more comfortable (it was).
He ordered a bottle of wine. And he could never stare me in the eye.
Here I thought I was meeting an Eastern European with several languages, a lot of knowledge and a very entertaining and smart conversation. We can all have  a little bit of expectations, no?
He was not a professor, as he claimed, or at least not in my books. Someone who teaches others how to pass standardized tests... well... that is very low on the scale of professorship. It is even below teaching high schoolers, even bellow middle school!

He was amazed at my languages, and, as usual, he wanted to guess where I was from. He, of course, didn't.
We ordered some food. Food! wow, this is the first date in a long time in which there is something solid, which will enter our mouths! (no pun intended!)
So a salad for me, a sandwich for him, lots of wine for both of us. Expectations rise!
And the conversation didn't flow. There was something there that just made it very difficult to engage.
We spoke of my classes and of his appearances in the telly (he was raised in London) in the Russian Channel. Mostly he spoke of anti-americanisms and the difficulties of going to academia.
He was very happy by the way the waitress uncorked our wine and he kept not looking at me.

At one point of the conversation, with the stumbling on topics without flow, he asked and asked questions, and I... started to lie.
I knew I would never see him again, he was too boring to waste another evening, and, why should I tell him real things about my life anyway? Who was he? Why did he, out of the rest of human beings in the world at that precise moment, deserve to hear bits and pieces about my life? What would it do to me to share something with him? Nothing.
So I lied. About my brothers' jobs, and about a trip I am about to take, I lied about my father and about my past... It was incredible how easy it became! He would never know and I, well, I continued to play with my fiction to take me thru the rest of the wine and the check so I could go home...

(Before I finish this one, he was very surprised I had a metro card even though he knows I live in this city. I found that very bizarre  And, when we stood up, finally, I was much taller than him, much. No more Oompla Loompa - Hobbits situations for me! (check post 1)

You are not (that) special

You think you are unique, you fill the blank profile. You will find love. You express yourself in ways that make you special. You do your best to stand out. You point out to attributes you possess which make you different from the rest. You acknowledge interests that you think very few others have. You are sure that those of the other gender (or the same) will distinguish your awesomeness. You are unique, you are out of the ordinary, you are uncommon and unusual...

or so you seem to think.
And then you start browsing others' profiles and the truth hits you...

Everybody loves to laugh.

Everybody is passionate.

Everybody's eyes are the first thing people notice.

Everybody has their passport on hand or is eagerly planning their next trip.

Everybody loves to cook at home or go out to eat (exploring restaurants).

Everybody loves a good time out or could snuggle inside with a movie (and you!).

Everybody wants to have adventures in this city.
Everybody is a great friend.
Everyone is a little funny/ witty/ inappropriate.
Everybody is working hard in something they love or in something that hate which enables them to do what they love. 

Everybody is living life (some to the fullest!).

So, if everybody is not so special, is that why it is so hard to find 'that special someone'?
He (She) simply doesn't exist.
Perhaps if you were happy with a mediocre someone who is very similar to everyone else then... but, really?

best profile quotes (1)

In the website where most of my dates are coming from there is a section in which you ask, like in a cybernetic wishing well, what it is you want the other to be like, look like, think like, etc. You write that in and throw a penny over your left shoulder in hopes that only those men (or women) will find you because they are what you are looking for.

Here some of the most amusing 'wants and needs' I have found so far...

A professor from Europe (he mentions his Continent of origin several times in his profile, as well as in the message he sent me) mentions how much he likes women al'naturel. He quotes Germaine Greer "Men who do not want their women shaved and deodorized into complete tastelessness are powerless against women's own distate for their own bodies." So there, the teacher adds.

A 41 year old tells of his story as a PhD in English, a Shakespeare professor and then his uphill change into a trading stocks at home so he could afford his addiction to, uhm, Italian shoes.
He keeps changing what you should be if you are honored enough to message him. Today is more demure, like talking about Roxy music and whatnot. A few days ago he had posted a link to his Flikr account and you should only message him if you looked like his girlfriend, who was on the pictures in the flikr url he posted. eery? He also mentioned that you should message him if you dress, yes, like his girlfriend or some other woman, and if you don't, he will buy you clothes soon, including Valentino when you marry.
Yesterday he posted a few links to some porn websites stating that you should only message him if you look like that and are into that.

A 33 Christmass tress salesman claims that you should only message him if you believe the dude abides.

A 40 year old has, as his main profile picture, himself as an undernourished karate-pose child. He speaks of his independence and fun life, and then he quotes Twain: "to have the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with".

A 30 something ex actor asks to be written to as long as you don't mind him taliing about Shakespeare characters as if they were his close friends.

A 40-year-old quotes Emilly Heller: I've been single for a while an I have to say it's going very well... Like it's working out. I think I'm the one".

He then concludes this part of the profile claiming he does have space for one or two, as long as they are respectful of his original attachmet. ( polyamory and your primary relationship is with yourself! love this!) 

date 8 - the actor / bartender

We met on a Tuesday night at the Whisky Ward. I was running late. He texted that he was sitting at the bar with a camouflage hat. As soon as I got there I was glad I had been lazy enough not to change from my comfortable summer cotton dress. He was wearing shorts. The bartender was appalled I didn't drink beer. I had a "four roses" bourbon instead.
I asked him if he knew my name, as I don't reveal it very soon on-line. He did.
He then said he didn't know where I was from.
Of course he didn't.

Excuses
For on-line dating I have discovered you need to create an excuse for a conversation. You post something about yourself on your profiel which is not completely clear, something which pikes interest and is a good conversation opener, hence the mystery of my nationality.

We played the 'where are you from' game for a while and I gave him huge hints.
It was clear this night was not going to go anywhere.
I knew he was an actor from his profile so I started to ask him about that. Nothing special, a Stanislavsky sort of method, not hitting it big, bar-tending at forty, you know the drill.

I did learn about agents (only take 10%, really?), and other nimieties of an out-of-work-actor.
When did he get into it? As a child.
He attended a christian school which did not believe in Halloween, instead they had a Founding Fathers Fest. They all dressed up as a Founding Father and prepared a presentation. The best ones would get to present it in front of the entire school, parents, teachers, the whole enchilada. He was five. He got the part.
Most of the other children had two liners, his was a whole five minute tirade. He told me about this with pride. That is when he got into acting.
It is a shame that thirty-something years later he still looks back at this episode as the peak of his career.

Conversation was non-existant. It was me asking questions and then silence which followed.
I claimed a work excuse and excused myself after 45 minutes and one drink.
I do believe 45 minutes is enough to know.

Good luck with your acting!